The one for me.

If you're not the one.

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I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

Thursday, November 19, 2020, 8:45 PM

It feels like a cruel joke, for me to dream of you like I did last night. It's been 10 years since I last saw you, and I've been doing amazing NOT thinking about you anymore. I've let myself move on. And I did. I did, my pride and ego was so damaged I had to hover back in my shell. Self-protection. And I moved on, living life as it comes, trying my damn hardest to forget the past and everything that comes with it.

But it still hurts like crazy. The dream I had was so achingly beautiful it just sucks to have it, knowing it is all just a dream. I don't get dreams often - its maybe a 1 of 2 times a year kind of thing. But you don't get to pop in like that, treat me like you did, and disappear. The feeling of loss is real yet unreal at the same time. It's ridiculous, and I hate that I'm still weak when it come to flickers of you.

Its not going to happen. Not now, not ever. It's in your head already, Ariel. Stick to the plan. Forget it all, everyone, everything.

Tuesday, May 26, 2020, 11:28 AM

The more I think of life, the more I hate it.

I hate the city life, everyone is thinking about results, success, wealth. Every conversation can be driven to those materialistic greed and I hate it. I can't even recall a time when my parents asked me anything else rather than my future. Yes, I get that I have nothing drafted up, nothing in plan. Am I worried? Sure. But earning the big money just isn't my priority. Maybe I just lack the competitiveness and the urge to succeed. But I call being able to live a win. To be able to enjoy the simple life will be a home run. I just really think that's all I want from life. But society and their horrible expectations sucks.

I dream of a simple life, to be able to work to support living, to be able to enjoy the little things, to feel the breeze of the wind, to bite into a great cookie, to be able to listen to my favourite tunes, to be able to watch nhl games, to just live beyond living.

Its getting a lot tiring to listen to people living for the fame, the money, the reputation. What happen to living for me?

Maybe this city is not right. I don't want fast paced and challenging. I desire slow and quiet, a close knitted community and a deep sense of belonging and loyalty. It just all seem like a dream right now. I just. I don't know. Maybe life should just end now before I become more miserable living in this world.

Thursday, July 18, 2019, 11:02 AM

Reignited my love for reading romance novels.

I have missed exploring the magic of words, how they'd bring me to different highs and lows, to feel everything more deeply. It always amaze me as an overly-sensual person how easily it is to fall into an alternate universe. To be so deeply engaged into different amazing storylines.

I feel like im actually addicted to feeling heartsores from emotional chapters in a novel. Its an important factor to how i rate a book and it simply gives me satisfaction. The harder it stings, the better i feel. I absolutely love it and i really cant wait for my next visit to the library.

At least something is back on track. Or at leasr least its keeping me away from reality.

Monday, June 17, 2019, 10:21 AM

You were my best friend.

Someone i confided into, someone who saw the best in me when i was at my lowest. You gave me something to look forward to; everyday was filled with anticipation and excitement. Life was a thrilling ride; it had purpose and meaning.

I needed you more than i knew. But now that I've lost you,

I do miss you, more than you know.

But it can never go back to like before, not anymore. And because i know this, i am not going to walk down memory lane. Its all or nothing; and i cannot afford to revisit them all. Please let this, the memory of all of this, be enough. For us both.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018, 11:34 AM

One will never know how much another is going through - even if they look happy with their life.

Because with all honesty, that's the most one can do before breaking down completely.

Met my pri6 FT very recently during work. Reminded me about one year before, where she dined in at CU and I had to serve her as well. Both instances she kindly said hi first. That was something, i don't know, i really didn't expect. I really thought we will walk past each other as per strangers would, because I know I will never make the first move. Her kindness is q memorable thinking back now.

I've never really liked her as my teacher, she started the history of me hating on my English teachers. She was the first teacher who called me into the staff room, gave me a lecturing, made me cry in school. (Not the first time I cried though, the first time was a Monday; i vividly remember. I felt broken from edmond's way of protecting me the previous Friday and that Monday, during my recess duty, i just broke down in front of Edmond when we talked about it, in our classroom on the 4th floor of the building that no longer exists as it was now. I cried my heart out and as recess ended, we walked back to the hall together w my crazy red eyes and only Nathanael noticed thankfully. What a thing to remember) . With a strong facade, i tried to hold back my tears so badly as I just reported for staircase duty straight away. Damn I really hated that more people saw me cry this time round; I'm comfortable w ed but, let's just say I don't like appearing weak.

I know she is a good teacher; she earned the respect and love of so many students. But there is just something about her that made me distanced from her. Eventually it became being distanced from the class, the school and every one else there. Not that the she is the root of it definitely, but there is a slight factor. I don't want to pretend that I really love her for the sake of being a part of what I then was. Why on earth do I overthink stuff since young..

Primary school days huh, it was fun while it lasted. It taught me that farewells are toxic. Separation hurts so badly. And walking a new path alone, really is very difficult and lonely. Too bad I learnt nothing from these lessons since I'm still repeating my mistakes somehow. I'm such an idiot.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018, 9:53 AM

I am living, though it gets more difficult to get through the days.

I am living, but I don't know what am I living for.

I am living, yet I don't feel alive.

I am living with no goals, no aspirations, no reasons. I am living my life of minimal commitment.

To me, while there is comfort in loneliness, there is also peace in familarity. That is a one gamble I am not willing to bet on.

Changes are suffocating. Expectations are drowning me.

Behind all that, being expressionless just hides them all. Being aloof, pretending nothing matters. Doing everything quietly, in my own pace. Who need friends when there is music? ~~I do, I just..~~

Not many understand the agony of social anxiety. How it significantly affects everyday life. Always being misunderstood as being 'anti-social', sometimes as 'introvert'. Explaining it to be understood is so draining; people always want to believe what they think is right.

Meeting new people. Always difficult. One way that definitely do not work for me is through camps, orientations blahblah. The crowd, the atmosphere, the requests, the attention, the interactions; gosh.

I can already imagine the anxiousness and suffocation. That's where I lose out I guess. I don't get to experience these strong feeling of belonging. OC seems like something everyone else anticipates and enjoy themselves thoroughly. Not me.

Sometimes, I just feel exhausted trying to be stronger than what I am. I really need a daily reminder to just, breathe.

Thursday, January 11, 2018, 9:03 AM

An entry after quite some time turns out to be my first post of 2018. The start of yet another new year. Yet another year to live.

10 days into this fresh start I already had a nightmare that scares me considering how real it could possibly be.

I was just walking down some old street somewhere when I coincidentally met an old primary school classmate. Despite being q close back in the days, I shut them all out and eventually we lost contact. But that doesn't stop him from keeping his friendships intact. While I tried my very best to avoid meeting his eyes. He however did recognise me, but instead of being (or even acting) friendly, he shot me loads of horrible names which really stung my heart alot. While I tried to brush them off by continuing my way, his friends (my ex-classmates, my lost friends) appeared and joined in the verbal attack. That pain I felt in my dream gave me a huge shock and eventually woke me up. I'm not even kidding when I'm typing here that I could physically feel that pain in my heart in real life.

It's been a while since I had a dream, or that I could remember one, yet it had to be a dark one. What a way to start the year by taking a huge shot on my already low self confidence and self esteem.

But I can't help but think that the dream is real. Just that all the verbal attacks were done behind my back. Because I feel inferior in many ways, I don't dare to reach out to people and maintain connections. That must have fuel the fire of hate for me. I can't live with all these suspicions I have about people I used to know. And I really hate myself for being so lacking. Why am I like this? I really don't want to break down, I don't want to feel weak. But my crazy overly emotional side just can't take the pain incurred from a dream, the stress from the nightmare.

Just what went wrong for me, what did I do so wrong that I cannot even deal with myself.